How to be a Good Ally During Pride Month (and the other 11 months of the year)

By Grace Hoge, she/her

Growing up in a small, conservative midwest town with lesbian moms, I always knew I was a little different from my peers. Although my family structure is unique, I’ve never felt like I was missing out on anything because of it. Instead, I believe my moms have turned me into the person I am today- a young woman who is an extremely passionate advocate for human rights and equality. Being able to be my entire authentic self in my sorority and the Panhellenic community as a whole has been so validating, and I feel extremely lucky to have met so many members who accept not only myself and my values, but also my parents. 

I am also aware that not everyone has grown up as close to the LGBTQ+ community as I have. Some people may have never even met a person who is openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer- and that’s okay! We all have our own individual paths and experiences that have led us to where we are now. But with June being Pride Month, I wanted to give an ally’s* perspective, and provide some more education on the LGBTQ+ community from my personal experiences and knowledge as a current women’s, gender, and sexuality studies student, to detail for everyone how I think we can all be good allies, all of the time! 

1.Learning!...and unlearning

A lot of LGBTQ+ history is glossed over or left out of the history books. I know I had very little knowledge about the history regarding LGBTQ+ movements and people until I began making a conscious effort to educate myself; my WGSS courses have also been extremely beneficial in this area. Learning needs to be a continuous and flexible process as times change and new information becomes available. We also must remember it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to educate us. 

And equally as important as learning is unlearning. Many things are normalized in society, but that doesn’t always mean they are the right things. We each must examine our own implicit biases* that we don’t even realize are there. Stereotypes* can be easy to accept and fall into by default, but these are harmful ideas that will continue to perpetuate discrimination against the LGBTQ+ community if we do not each work constantly to unlearn things that can hurt and offend others. This is where empathy comes into play; if you can put yourself into someone else’s shoes and imagine how those words would feel if you were that person and someone said that to you, that could stop a lot of potentially hurtful words from ever being said in the first place.

2. Accepting identities

When it comes to accepting a person, it’s important to accept them for their whole self. Don’t try to separate a person’s sexuality from them, and vice versa, remember it’s not the only thing that makes that person who they are. We each have many parts of our identities that intersect to make us whole, such as our religion, ethnicities, race, abilities, gender identity, values, sexuality, and more! So while being a part of the LBGTQ+ community isn’t the only thing that matters to somebody, it is a large part of their identity that helps shape who they are. That’s why it can be important to acknowledge and accept this identity so you can accept a person wholly for who they are, because being LGBTQ+ is an intrinsic part of them as a human being.

3. Avoiding performative activism

While I, too, love sharing aesthetically pleasing and informative posts on my Instagram story, it’s important to recognize that it takes more than just this to be a good ally. For those of us who are not a part of the LGBTQ+ community, it can be easy to forget that people’s lives are still actively impacted by homophobia* and transphobia*. Performative activism is when one only supports a cause because it’s a trend or convenient, not because they actually care about the cause. Take concrete steps and actions to show you’re committed to being an ally, such as calling out homophobia when someone says “that’s so gay!” about something they dislike. This particular statement is usually equating being gay as being a bad or weird thing. Statements like this reinforce negative stigmas* about the LGBTQ+ community and perpetuate harmful cultural norms*, which prevent equality from advancing. Other ways you can be an active ally include signing petitions, attending events such as Pride celebrations and marches, or even just simply stating your own pronouns to be inclusive and mindful of others.

4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! I know what it means to me

Gender identity/expression and sexual orientation are extremely private and personal things. As an ally, I understand that it’s not up to me to determine another person’s gender, nor is it any of my business! Everyone is just trying to make the best choices for themselves, so when someone else tells me their pronouns, or changes their name, I simply respect that and go about my day. It can be difficult to get used to using someone’s name or pronouns if they have recently changed, so practice referring to them and using these correctly on your own or in other conversations. Remember, it’s also very hard for the person navigating their identity and setting these boundaries with their loved ones! But if you accidentally misgender someone or use their dead name (the name a person had prior to their transition), just correct yourself, apologize swiftly and continue on with the conversation! Catching and correcting yourself is important though, because it shows someone you accept and respect them for who they are. Try to avoid causing a scene and making the interaction awkward or uncomfortable for everyone.

While these definitely aren’t the only things to take into consideration about being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community, these are a few of my personal favorites and what I think are some of the most important. At the end of the day, we should all continue to educate ourselves and treat others with empathy, compassion, and validation, because you never know what someone else is going through or the positive impact your actions and words could have on their life.

I’d like to dedicate this post to my moms. Thank you for having the courage to be yourselves, instilling the value of equality in me, and raising me to understand the importance of being, as Tri Delta puts it, “kind alike to all.” I love and admire you more than anything. 

Resources: 

The Trevor Project- TrevorLifeline 866-488-7386, free and 24/7

Spectrum KU

The Center for Sexuality and Gender Diversity at KU

KU HERO (Health Education Resource Center)

Trans Lifeline- www.translifeline.org, 877-565-8860

Terms to know:

Ally- a person or group who provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity or struggle

Implicit bias- a bias or prejudice that is present, but is not consciously held or recognized

Stereotype- a standardized mental picture that is held in common by members of a group and that represents an oversimplified opinion, prejudiced attitude, or uncritical judgement

Stigma- a mark of shame or discredit

Cultural norm- rules or expectations of behavior and thoughts based on shared beliefs within a specific cultural or social group

Homophobia- irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or gay people

Transphobia- irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against transgender people